Please Don’t Date!
Now that I have your attention, allow me to elaborate.
Very recently I casually dated a lovely woman, divorced with two grown children living out of the house. While we had just a few dates, I did enjoy her company very much. A good fit on an intellectual, emotional and spiritual level, or so I thought. I took the sage advice of a psychologist friend and decided one Saturday afternoon that we would just ” hang out, ” run some errands and do the things all of us do in real life when we’re not ” on ” for those we might be trying to impress.
We had a fine day, running to the dry cleaners, stopping for lunch and window shopping in a near by town. My friend even decided to stay over since she lived about an hour away. While the details of that evening are not important here… I could tell that the morning sun brought a change in her behavior. She left shortly before noon and although we exchanged a message or two, we did not speak again that day, or the next!
Sensing something was amiss, I reached out to say, I hear your wheels spinning, what’s going on? She preferred to talk over texting or emailing but I was home with my kids and didn’t have time for a lengthy conversation. I asked her for some idea of what was bothering her and said politely that I didn’t like suspense.
True confession time: she admitted to still being hung up on a long distance relationship that ended after the new year. She said, her words, that she ” loved this man more than life. ” Wow, profound indeed. Note to me and you; never love someone more than life! What’s that about?? I told her I appreciated her honesty but wished she had been so much sooner. Much before I had invested my time and resources into a relationship that had no where to go! Gracious and wise, told you she was smart, she agreed that I was right and offered her apology. I told her I accepted, we were good and that she should not be dating. Instead, spending time in therapy, in contemplation, in religion or what ever outlet she embraces to heal.
My single, middle aged, male perspective. Don’t date when your not ready. Don’t use me to forget your ex husband or most recent boyfriend. Don’t bury your head in the sand or under your pillow with the illusion that time alone, heals all things. I’m four plus years single and discover new and exciting things and people every day! Please don’t deny yourself that pain, growth and healing you were destined to experience. And for the sake of yourself and those you expose yourself to, above all, be honest. Say what you need and want to say, not what you think I want to here. You do me and yourself no favors! Don’t date until you’re ready!!
To Your Happiness!
Agree. She just was not that into you. Accept it
I have also noticed, in my singleness, that many men are looking for someone much younger. They are missing out on the experience, wisdom, and maturity of women in their own age group.
They did that to me a few times but I never got an answer why….it really sucks.
I totally agree, so many people cannot spend the time alone to get to know what they truly want from someone. We all go through it. Lessons turn into blessings depending on how we chose to see them
I agree with Sheila in the sense that “not being ready to date” is a great explanation for not being into someone. I have used that line just to spare hurt feelings. At the same, she may not have realized that she wasn’t ready until she tried it. And it doesn’t hurt to try — to get yourself out there and see what happens rather than mope. I’m just curious…would you prefer a woman tell you that she isn’t into you? I am in that situation right now and struggle with truth versus excuse.
Personally,I would want the truth! Sadly, everyone takes these things so personally instead of realizing we’re just not meant for everyone. If you’re not comfortable saying this to someone, saying you’re ” not currently ” dating is a harmless way to let someone off easy.
This is a great article Bob, and good advice.
Dating too early can sometimes mask emotions that need to be released as the person is trying to run away from the emotions, hide from the feelings they are having.
Sometimes people don’t know that they still have emotions to deal with, this is what can be the problem. I know this because I thought I was ready to move on, I thought that was the thing I needed to do to get over the hurt from being left and abandoned by my husband of 30 years. How wrong was I!
It took me 2 1/2 years for the full emotions I was carrying about being sexually abused to really surface, it took me that long to realise it was no ok to be treated like that. I had buried all the feelings along with the memories so deep to keep myself safe. I had told myself throughout the years that it just didn’t matter because it was only me, no one else was hurt, I was ok and it was just something I had to do so my husband was happy and life was easier to live.
The hurt we feel from someone we love so deeply ending a relationship or treating us badly can be so painful, each of us can have extremely different ways to cope emotionally. It’s not unusual to bury emotions, they can take years to emerge. While others make themselves so busy they don’t have time for feeling.
Your story about dating resonated with me. It appears in my experience with dating women in my age group (baby-boomer), it appears that 99% of all the women I’ve dated over the last 15 years are divorced for one. And the majority of those women all have emotional baggage and they don’t know what they want. And when they think they know what they want and tell us men, they change their minds.
I agree with your advice to people(women); DON’T date unless you’re ready to date. Keeping in mind that a fruitful “relationship” may blossom from the dating. If you’re not willing or able to embrace that opportunity IF it arises, do me a favor and don’t go out with me.
I know what I want ladies and it is definitely NOT someone “on the rebound” relationship nor do I desire dating someone who doesn’t tell the truth and know who THEY are.
It is unfortunate Bob that most people either live in denial or in fear, and neither one of these conditions are supportive or elements to a good healthy loving relationship.
Hey Nick, sorry for the terrible delay getting back to you! Greatly appreciate your comments here! You are absolutely correct. I have been single now for 6 years, the longest period of my adult life without being in a relationship. My second wife jumped head first into her third marriage almost immediately after our divorce, within months! If we don’t take time to heal, we repeat!! Wishing you well!
It’s always worth the time and effort to clear the old rubble before building something new.